In Theory
I’m good at school. I get straight As and have since I was
in Kindergarten. I joined track, very fast runner. As a matter of fact, I have
a trophy in the school show case for breaking the school record on the 4 x 100m,
4 x 200, and the 4 x 400. If my school had a 4 x 800, I would probably win that
too. I am the center middle fielder in soccer and have scored over 6 points in
goals and 4 assist buffs in one season. Let’s not forget basketball. But, I am
going to—I’m really good at that too!
So, now I am sitting here thinking about things. Many
things. School year is almost done and summer is getting closer. This opens up
swim parties, BBQs, vacation to who knows where this year. Long walks in the park
and tennis with friends. Bike rides, camp outs, you name it, summer brings it.
I love summer, usually. Something has changed this year. Well, to be honest, it
has been changing for a while now.
I watched an old movie last night. Came on at 1 a.m., when I
couldn’t sleep, again. I have given up the exclamation punctuation marks at the
end of, ‘I couldn’t sleep again’, because it does not worry or surprise me
anymore. It has become a regular night time ritual. I flop in my bed around 10
p.m. like a zombie, wake up around midnight, the witching hour I joke to myself,
and cannot fall bake asleep till around 5 a.m., if I fall back to sleep at all.
But, I am told, I am a great student and a great athlete, so no need to be
concerned. Anyway, back to the movie, Invasion
of the Body Snatchers. It’s an old
movie about aliens that come to earth and drop off vegetables. Well, not really
vegetables, more like “Jack in the Beanstalk” giant pea pods. These giant pods
are distributed around small towns in vacant areas and in people’s attics,
garages, empty warehouses, and those kind of places. They don’t mess with big
cities yet. Too many people who might look up from their busy, busy lives and
notice these mutant size pods being dropped off. But, anyway, back again to the
show. These pods then wait until the people, where they are delivered, fall
asleep and then the pod develops into that person, the real person dies or disintegrates. This fully functioning replica obeys the alien master to complete the total
invasion of Earth. And, as usual, I believe the movie says
they are from Mars. Everything comes from Mars. Even “The Twilight Zone”
episode I saw one night where two aliens are in a restaurant, one from Venus,
the other from Mars. At the end of the episode, the Venus alien pulls out a
pack of cigarettes with one hand attached to an arm, lights it with another hand
attached to an arm, and puts it in his mouth with another hand attached to an
arm, then reveals he has a total of 6 arms. The Mars alien, then takes off his
hat to reveal a huge eye he has in the middle of his forehead and tells the
Venus Martian that they have been colonizing the earth, much, much longer than
the newly arrived Venus Martian. Then he lets out this loud, creepy laugh that
lasts till the credits come on.
I can feel for the guy in the pod movie. He refuses to go to
sleep because he doesn’t want to become a ‘pod person’. I don’t either, but I
feel like I am a pod person anyways. I have no mind of my own. I am an
excellent student and an excellent athlete, I repeat this on purpose. Everyone
is always patting me on the back and saying, “Now there’s an excellent student
and an excellent athlete, he’ll make something of himself, he’s got it all!”
Even my friends, I do have a few, look up to me, the excellent student, the
excellent athlete. I had one friend who even told me he wishes he could be like
me. I don’t smile, I don’t laugh, I don’t smile—I turn and walk away.
I write a lot. I watch words form on the paper from my
fingers tapping on the keyboard. It’s really neat to see the words pop out of
your brain, to your fingers, and then to your eyes. Now that is something I
would love to learn about in science. A robot brain and robotic fingers, and a
big robotic eye, making words and phrases on a computer screen. But, I can’t
mention this, it’s my secret. So, I just admire the thought of it and continue
to tap out words on a screen. That reminds me of one of the kids I saw at lunch
time. He was sitting by an aide at a table. No one else was around him, but I
walked slowly to that table pretending to have dropped something I needed to
pick up by him. He had an IPad in front of him with pictures and words
underneath each picture. When he wanted something, he would tap that picture
and the IPad would say the name of the picture. It was pretty cool. But, then
the aide looked up at me, so I took off. That kid goes to the autistic room
with a bunch of other kids. Some slobber, some yell, some walk like pod people,
and some have to be dragged to class. I do know that feeling at times.
When I can’t sleep, which is about every night, I think
about all kinds of things, but by morning, I either forget them or don’t want
to remember them. I have been doing some research too, and I could have
insomnia, but when I took the Epworth Sleepiness Scale (ESS), it said I was
dead. I guess no one can go that long without sleep. Well, I guess their scale is
not very reliable. I wonder how many other people are really dead. That’s it!
Zombies! We are all really Zombies. They say there is going to be a Zombie apocalypse.
Maybe, this is the start. One morning when I get up for school, I will start eating
my dog instead of my Pop Tart. I wonder how many days it takes to become a
full-fledged zombie. Mine started when I turned 13 so that is about 6 months
ago. Ooh, I could be really close to complete metamorphosis, like the caterpillar
turning into a moth. Nobody at home or school has said anything to me about my
acting different, other than Mrs. Condire asking me if I felt okay. She said I
have dark circles under my eyes and was I maybe feeling sick. I just told her I
was fine. I didn’t want to worry her that I might be turning into a zombie and
would be needing to eat her and all her students. After all, an excellent
student and an excellent athlete does not confess to needing to eat another
human being.
I saw Ted down the hall throwing a football to Mike. Then he
yelled at me to catch the ball. I was pretty far away not only physically but
mentally, too! I looked up just in time to see the ball sailing over my head
and into Mr. Pirsh’s door. Naturally, he came out to see what the commotion was,
and also naturally, Mike and Ted took off like a rocket before he opened his
door. Looking down at me, as he is 6’5” and I am 5’8”, he frowned. But, then
smiled and said, you need to get to class. And so ends the noose grabbing at my
neck. I am an excellent student and an excellent athlete after all.
I wonder what other people who took the ESS test do at this
time of night. Maybe I could set up a chat room for kids who can’t sleep. They
could come in and talk at all hours of the night about anything they want! It
would be cool! But, maybe they don’t
feel like talking. Maybe they are like me who just wants to watch words flow
from my brain to my hands and onto my eyes. After all an excellent student and
an excellent athlete should not have much to talk about--action is the motive. They would be busy
studying or working out. No time for nonsense or horseplay or goofing off. So,
forget that idea.
Parents are interesting. Especially those who are
professionals. All day long they work on people’s problems. When they come
home, they are done talking about any problems or out of the ordinary behavior
in the house. It’s bad enough they have to run their kids around here and
there, and make supper, and wash clothes, and clean house, and mow the lawn. Oh
wait, we have a cleaning lady, and we have a lawn guy. So, coming home and
fixing yourself a drink of whatever smells the best and ties your tongue up
around your teeth and makes you giggle, is the major goal. I guess it works ‘cause
that’s what happens every night. Later than usual sometimes. That’s when I am
reminded as well, that I need to do more studying and work harder at running,
jumping, throwing, and even spitting. Mike’s parents buy a watermelon in the
summer and then they all sit in a straight line, watermelon seeds in their
mouth, and see who can spit the seed the farthest. I think that would be fun
and since I am an excellent athlete, I would surely win each time.
Social media gets a lot of hype. Good sometimes, bad
sometimes. I read a lot of blogs and I do like Tik Tok. Some of the stuff they do and challenge kids to do is
really stupid, but some of it is interesting. You can learn all kinds of neat
tricks. One kid was showing how to tie knots that his family uses when they go sail
boating. I asked my dad if I could get a rope to practice making knots. He
thought that was the most ridiculous waste of time and told me to study more
important things and stop wasting my time. He is right, I know. I guess hobbies are a waste of my time.
Haven’t written in a while. Been thinking instead. Inside my
head where it is safe and private. School did not go well today. Got a ‘B’ on
my algebra test! Try to hide it from Mike, but he saw it and began chanting to
the class that I got a ‘B’. They all gasped, in unison, and turned to face me.
Looks of disbelief with mouths wide open. Really? So what, I got my first ‘B’.
I’m still me, still sleepless, still hating everything in my life! Nothing has
changed, except I am less than an excellent student. And let’s not even talk
about the 4 x 400. I never in my life came in 4th place! My dad, who managed to
come to my first meet, was not pleased. He told me he was embarrassed, sitting in
the stadium telling all the other parents about his son’s excellent athletic
abilities. The ride home was almost bearable. I hurried to my room, where I
feel safe, sometimes.
I guess that is when I finally decided I had had enough.
Nothing is real anyway. I live in a plastic house, with plastic people in a
plastic world. I did learn how to tie those knots and I actually rode my bike
to Home Depot and bought myself a
rope. I learned to tie the square
knot, double fisherman knot, and the hangman’s knob. I now sit here staring at
the hangman’s knot. This is my last entry, I know.
·
Suicide is the
second-leading cause of death for teens and young adults, ages 10-34 (CDC,
2023).
·
12.2% of adults 18-25
had serious thoughts of suicide in the past year (SAMHSA, 2024).
·
Overall, 20.4% of high
school students reported having seriously considered suicide in the past year.
The percentage of students reporting having seriously considering suicide
varied by group as follows (Verlenden et al., 2024):
·
27.1% of female and
14.1 of male individuals
·
41.0% of LGBTQ+ and
13.0% of cisgender and heterosexual individuals
·
24.5% of American
Indian or Alaska Native, 22.1% white, 21.6% multiracial, 19.6% Black or African
American, 18.2% Hispanic or Latino, 16.1% Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific
Islander, and 14.4% Asian individuals.
·
12.3% of adolescents
aged 12 to 17 had serious thoughts of suicide in the past year (NSDUH, 2024).
·
Overall, 9.5% of high
school students attempted suicide in the past year. The percentage of students
reporting having attempted suicide varied by group, as follows (CDC, 2023, Verlenden et al, 2024):
·
12.6% of female and
6.4% male individuals
·
19.7% of LGBQ+ and
6.0% of heterosexual individuals
·
15.3% of Native
Hawaiian or other Pacific Islander and 11.5% American Indian or Alaska Native,
11.4% multiracial, 10.8% Hispanic or Latino, 10.3% Black or African American,
8.3% white, 8.0% Asian individuals
·
3.3% of adolescents
aged 12 to 17 attempted suicide in the past year (SAMHSA, 2024).
·
Girls are more likely
to attempt suicide than boys, but boys are four times more likely to die from
suicide than girls (Johns Hopkins Medicine, n.d.)
·
Suicide rates are
often higher in more rural areas: The rate of suicide among youth age 15-19
living in rural areas is 15.8 per 100,000 people, compared to 9.1 per 100,000
people in urban areas (RHIhub).
Taken from the JED Foundation. https://jedfoundation.org/mental-health-and-suicide-statistics/
Dedicated to a person who in fact, committed suicide. He or she needed help, but received none
until it was too late. And, it was not the kind of help needed for prevention.
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